The Native Blog

Will be ending....

I can't keep up with this blog.  So I am going to discontinue it.  I don't have the heart to work on it.  i don't want to share how I am feeling with the world.  I prefer to keep it private.  The blog will be closing down soon.

My son was in an accident...

Yesterday afternoon my son Larry Jr. was returning some videos to the movie place.  On the way there he was involved in a car accident.  Our vehicle was struck by another car that ran a red light.   It was pretty scary thinking about all that has happened recently.  We don't have a vehicle to drive until it gets repaired.  Or if it gets totaled out.  We don't know yet.  My son says he is never going to drive again.  He is that shook up.  The other driver was an elderly woman.  It was the first accident for both of them. Luckily  neither was hurt badly.  Larry has bruising on his shoulder.  The woman says she will be sore for a few days. Who knows maybe she is worse today.  Apparently she can't see well either.  Larry thinks she may be in her 70's.  It might be time for her to surrender her drivers license.  I just had a hell of  a weekend.  Now I have to go and get a car rental for the week to get to work.   Starting my week off late to work already and I didn't even get there. 
Thank goodness my son is ok.

What the kids made for me...

They had this on the wall for me when I went back to work. They were all so proud of it and had to show me the parts they contributed.

Before the writing...

This is Larry's stone and resting place.  Before the snow fell.

That was a bad day....

I was feeling awful the other day when I made that last post.  I don't think I made myself sound too clear.  I was referring to my work when I was commenting on how people don't know how to talk to me.  On my first day back in a team meeting I was greeted with harsh words by a colleague.  Others just sat and watched.  It still angers me thinking about it.  I don't think I have come so close to actually wanting to hit someone since I was a juvenile. I work with an individual who believes their opinion and negativity should be put out there for all to hear and see.  I basically walked in to a situation and someone's anger was directed towards me. The person actually came and apologized to me later.  I didn't accept it and told the person to get out of my room because I was upset with them.  I still haven't talked to this person.  I guess I can be pretty stubborn when someone does me wrong. I am too old to have to cater to others and their needs.  I have gone through life being understanding of others and their mental problems.  I think I can be mental for awhile and let someone understand me.

I have received so many cards and e-mails expressing sympathy for our loss.  Elaine is drawing a picture of Larry and I together.  I can't wait to see it.

It has been a headache dealing with all the paperwork that comes with losing someone.  Medical bills, bills in general...... I just wish someone would  knock me out for awhile and wake me up when it's all straightened out.

And then there is the belongings.  I haven't really even begun to think of what to do with that.  I have been wearing his shirts tho.  He has some really warm thermal shirts that have been comforting me while I sleep and work around the house.  When I wear them I feel like he is hugging me and keeping me warm.....

22 Days....

It has been 22 days since he's left.  I have found myself put in to a type of isolation that I didn't create.  When he first left I was surrounded by people who were also mourning the loss.  After the burial the reality really hit. I am alone.  People don't even know what to say to me anymore.  They don't even know how to act around me. So I am avoided.  My Linda, Marie, Deedee and my Mom talk to me daily, or as much as they can. A stranger called the other night and I found myself sharing personal stories. It felt good to talk to someone who was interested in his life and his book. Thanks April!!

Book availability???

I have been receiving inquiries about Larry's book.  We only have a few copies right now.  His publisher went out of business last year.  We (My sons and I ) will look in to finding a new publisher.  Until then we have limited copies.  Larry also had it available online and I haven't quite figured out how that works yet.  So that is one possible way to read it.  I'll let you know when I figure it out.

One of our first Pictures together...

This is from one of our wandering days.  We walked all over in the snow.  We stopped at this photo booth and took a picture.
Today I just kept thinking of him all day long.  A hard day....

Wreath.. Cross...Snow....

Today my eldest son and I went and bought a wreath to put at my Husband's grave.  I bought one made out of flat cedar, a red bow and pine cones.  I took some pieces to burn later.  He now has his name engraved on his stone.  I wished I would have brought my camera to show our Joe.  He stayed home today because the cold weather is bad for his skin.  The rest of the people laid to rest near him fought in World War ll or Korea.  They all died one or two days before he did.  The stone even has Purple Heart below his grade and service information. I think he would like being around those old vets.  It doesn't matter what war they fought in.  He would find commonalities with any who served in a war. I think of him resting around those who really understand what he was going through while alive.  Larry had nightmares every night. Sometimes I would wake up with scratches and bruises on my legs. Thank goodness he wasn't too violent.  He said most nightmares he was frozen stiff and really couldn't move.  Like he was trying to run fast in water.
Larry also had a problem with church.From his boarding school days.  He didn't have a good experience with the Catholic Church.   I don't believe he would like that his stone has a cross on it.  I filled in a form and requested that no engraving about spiritual beliefs be included on his stone. There is only one choice for the Native Americans.  And that is the Tipi and Moon symbol of the Native American Church.  Larry didn't belong to that  religion.  I don't know if I really want to fight about this symbol on his stone right now.  I dont' have the emotional strength to have it changed.  It will just have to wait for when I do.... That was the disappointing part of seeing his stone.  The thing about it is that it matches those around him.